I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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