pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
