what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
