my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
