dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
