i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's always time for handjobs
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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