she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
