Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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