I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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