oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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