I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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