the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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