Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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