i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
