Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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