He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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