Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to have your abortion
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
