i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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