Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
not ubering you a puppy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
