I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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