So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize