Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
