I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize