in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
