it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There's always time for handjobs
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
