So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize