we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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