Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
