I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I did not marry a roomba.
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