I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
