In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
