so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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