I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
