My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
