i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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