good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
