Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
