My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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