If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
