Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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