Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
