***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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