I think I died a long time ago.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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