just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
