nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
