You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize