Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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