Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
