note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need to calm my uterus...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
