I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
