you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
where are my eyebrows?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
