I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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