I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
