my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
