The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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