We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
