I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
