just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
