I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
