Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
