i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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