Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
