So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
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