i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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