So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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